Today
Every so often I find myself slipping down into my muddy hole. I just can't get any traction to climb back up. Some days I'll give a weak try, only for my foot to slip. I just slide right back down into the muddy hole I know well. So most days I don't even bother trying to get out. I just get comfortable there in the hole, which is detrimental on many levels.
The muddy hole is depression.
Famously, Winston Churchill referred to his depression as “the black dog.” Sitting on his lap, it haunted him. It's the perfect metaphor. However, I actually have a real life black dog so that one doesn't work as well for me.
My relationship with this foe began with anxiety. Over time it morphed. I was the cocoon - a vessel for anxiety to live within. Within the cocoon existed the perfect environment for the anxiety to transform. It hibernated, then contorted itself just before emerging as depression. I say emerged because the depression transcends beyond me. The depression is far-reaching. The anxiety affected me, but the depression affects everyone around me. Every relationship I have has been affected in some way.
I've taken a few different prescription medications. Some made me feel crazy, some stole away my sleep, some worked to damper the depression - but at the cost of making me feel numb and emotionless. I've stopped and started medication more than I should have. I have found that the medication serves me well as a catalyst toward a happier place. It does about 15% of the work. The other 85% of the solution is mental. This part is crucial toward betterment. Your mentality is what gets you out of the muddy hole.
My mental downfall revolves around time. You hear people talk about living in the past. They can't look anywhere but back. On the contrary, I can't look anywhere but forward. Doesn't sound so bad, right? Looking forward to the future is a good thing, right? For me, it's a trap.
In my mind, I keep events tucked away in a special place to look forward to. Things like: my mom coming to visit in Washington, the coming of fall, going home to Tennessee to visit. Even things that are far in the future, like eventually moving back to the southeast. These are future events that I mentally highlight, underline, italicize, and circle. Hell, let's go ahead and put post-its on there too. And let's draw some exclamation points on the post-its. I then live every day pining for a day that is yet to come. I become completely removed from the present, because I am so saturated by a future day that, in my mind, is so much better than today. The special future events consume my thoughts. I count down to them. I live for them.
This process completely robs the present time of all joy and appreciation. It belittles it to a mere stepping stone on the way to a day that I believe is much better in every way.
The real danger comes when I start to feel I have nothing notable to look forward to. If I don't have anything specific to yearn for, I begin to shut down. For example, I spend the better part of a year yearning and dreaming about going back to Tennessee for Christmas. Just the thought makes me feel happy. I recently found out that may not be possible this year. That possibility of no Christmas with family in Tennessee combined with a few other things has left me deeper in my muddy hole than ever before. I fall into a mindset of, "This is all there is, this is as good as it's going to get, it's never going to get any better." It is at this time, that's I've lost all hope.
The real shame through all of this is that I am denying myself any contentment in the present. I cannot achieve happiness in the present by means of thoughts of another time, with thoughts of the future. It just doesn't work. I know because I've been trying and failing for some time now.
The shining truth through it all is that there is nothing wrong with my present. It's not terrible and void of all good things. In fact, there is plenty to be had. I just have to learn to seize what is happening right NOW. Not tomorrow, not in the fall, not next year. Today.
I have to learn to love today.
The muddy hole is depression.
Famously, Winston Churchill referred to his depression as “the black dog.” Sitting on his lap, it haunted him. It's the perfect metaphor. However, I actually have a real life black dog so that one doesn't work as well for me.
My relationship with this foe began with anxiety. Over time it morphed. I was the cocoon - a vessel for anxiety to live within. Within the cocoon existed the perfect environment for the anxiety to transform. It hibernated, then contorted itself just before emerging as depression. I say emerged because the depression transcends beyond me. The depression is far-reaching. The anxiety affected me, but the depression affects everyone around me. Every relationship I have has been affected in some way.
I've taken a few different prescription medications. Some made me feel crazy, some stole away my sleep, some worked to damper the depression - but at the cost of making me feel numb and emotionless. I've stopped and started medication more than I should have. I have found that the medication serves me well as a catalyst toward a happier place. It does about 15% of the work. The other 85% of the solution is mental. This part is crucial toward betterment. Your mentality is what gets you out of the muddy hole.
My mental downfall revolves around time. You hear people talk about living in the past. They can't look anywhere but back. On the contrary, I can't look anywhere but forward. Doesn't sound so bad, right? Looking forward to the future is a good thing, right? For me, it's a trap.
In my mind, I keep events tucked away in a special place to look forward to. Things like: my mom coming to visit in Washington, the coming of fall, going home to Tennessee to visit. Even things that are far in the future, like eventually moving back to the southeast. These are future events that I mentally highlight, underline, italicize, and circle. Hell, let's go ahead and put post-its on there too. And let's draw some exclamation points on the post-its. I then live every day pining for a day that is yet to come. I become completely removed from the present, because I am so saturated by a future day that, in my mind, is so much better than today. The special future events consume my thoughts. I count down to them. I live for them.
This process completely robs the present time of all joy and appreciation. It belittles it to a mere stepping stone on the way to a day that I believe is much better in every way.
The real danger comes when I start to feel I have nothing notable to look forward to. If I don't have anything specific to yearn for, I begin to shut down. For example, I spend the better part of a year yearning and dreaming about going back to Tennessee for Christmas. Just the thought makes me feel happy. I recently found out that may not be possible this year. That possibility of no Christmas with family in Tennessee combined with a few other things has left me deeper in my muddy hole than ever before. I fall into a mindset of, "This is all there is, this is as good as it's going to get, it's never going to get any better." It is at this time, that's I've lost all hope.
The real shame through all of this is that I am denying myself any contentment in the present. I cannot achieve happiness in the present by means of thoughts of another time, with thoughts of the future. It just doesn't work. I know because I've been trying and failing for some time now.
The shining truth through it all is that there is nothing wrong with my present. It's not terrible and void of all good things. In fact, there is plenty to be had. I just have to learn to seize what is happening right NOW. Not tomorrow, not in the fall, not next year. Today.
I have to learn to love today.
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