New Years

New Years. An ending point. A starting point.

I've been going through a phase of reflection. Not just because it is the end of a year and the start of a new one, but because it is needed. I've been thinking about everything that has happened and how I've changed. In less than a week we will be moving across the country. I feel the need to evaluate before I move into this new phase of life.

For a number of reasons, 2013 has been tough for me. Nothing particularly sad or shocking, just life. Busy life. Life-changing life. Having a baby changes everything. At times I think that I haven't handled it very gracefully, then other times I think it's normal and it's just that nobody talks about it. I've internally mourned the loss of freedom. I don't like to talk about it because it makes me feel like a bad mother. It makes me feel guilty. Adjusting hasn't been super easy. Saying things like this may make me sound selfish, or even regretful. But if it does sound that way to you, then I'm guessing you don't have children.

The truth is, mothers sacrifice a lot. We all know that. I haven't gotten more than three consecutive hours of sleep in 8 months. We all know about things like that: sleep, bathing, etc. But what about other stuff? The things that defined us as who we were prior to having children. Things we used to enjoy doing, but no longer have the time for. These are the things I have really mourned the loss of. I don't read anymore. I very rarely design anything. I don't do creative things, which is what used to define me. However, I don't regret anything. I'm not coming from a place of remorse or sorrow. I'm coming from a place of honesty, which is yet another thing mothers sacrifice. We shouldn't say we miss our freedom, because that sounds bad. So we lie, or in the least omit.

So I am on a mission to be honest. Not that I sit around and lie all day, because I don't. I just want to really mean what I say - everything I say. I think many, many thoughts, but before I speak them I want to first make sure: 1. Is it true? and 2. Is it positive?

Something else I intend to work on is my relationship with Ben. Yet another thing people don't really talk about after having a baby. I wouldn't say that our marriage has struggled with the changes. I would say that I have struggled with balance. When Violet came along I became so focused on her and her needs that I began to neglect my marriage. My love for Violet was all-consuming and no thing in the world seemed to measure up to the love I had for her. Another way that I sometimes think I could have handled the adjustment of children more gracefully - maintaining balance. It's easy to lose it when you have a little human who needs you. Then there's your husband who is a big human and is capable of caring for himself. And so my attention went to my daughter. So somewhere along the way I stopped nurturing that relationship like I once did. I didn't stop loving my husband when Violet was born, but love - in general- became redefined. I had envisioned entering parenthood as a team, but the reality of it was that I somehow had more responsibilities. My life felt more heavily impacted. Now I feel like I've finally got my head above water and have gained my bearings on balancing motherhood and being a wife. I aim to be a better wife.

I've come to terms with a lot lately. It's not about how I want to live and how I want to raise my child. It's about being present. So I'm choosing to prioritize and simplify my life. Simple, that word just looks nice. Simplicity. It's good for me, my body, my mind, and my soul. It's good for my home and my family. Being present in the here and now seems to be a fleeting notion. I aim to stop spending so much time investing thought in the has been and will be. I want to fully feel the here and now. Overall, it's the biggest factor in simplifying my life. It means doing one thing with awareness, as opposed to doing 10 things mindlessly.

Ways I intend to simplify my life and become a better person:
- be mindful of how distracting the internet is and how much time I spend on my phone
- say 'no' more often and not feel guilty about it
- do what is best for my family of three, instead of what makes everyone else happy
- turn the tv off and go for a walk
- look people in the eye when they talk to me (please return the favor)
- read more printed word and less from a screen
- let go of perfectionism
- be spontaneous
- carry a lighter load (literally and mentally)
- be present
- be honest
- be authentic

Other things I would like to do in 2014:
- choose a beautiful fabric and make Violet a dress
- write letters to people who are important to me
- plant something and harvest it


I want to enter into the new year with a clear mind and an open heart. I want to get rid of the unnecessary to better appreciate the necessary.

What are your hopes and intentions for 2014?